It was also a very difficult year though in the sense that I had to face my greatest fear. I don't know how much to say about this but it had to do with control. Ever since I was a teenager I had a plan for my life. I thought it was God's plan and initially it was but then I put my stamp on it and endeavoured to make it come about with all of MY strength. My greatest desire was to follow God and be serving Him as a family, preferably in full time ministry. When my children were born I had a plan for their lives, they would serve God from the time they could speak, be speaking in tongues by the time they were three etc. I had a plan for my husband's life as well. I had made an idol out of "the calling". Well anyway, as the years went by I saw us steadily going forward in His plans for us. Whenever anything threatened this forward move, I would panic and start to control. I wasn't controlling in a very noticeable way but I nevertheless I was. I wasn't willing to leave things up to God, in case He messed it up. Can you believe that? Well, we got involved with a group of people tbat were into works but no love. We obviously didn't see it at first. It unfortunately or fortunately took us years. I say fortunately because I now don't look back on this part of our lives as a mistake but rather a place where we learned so much about God, people and ourselves. We also learned how not to do things. On reaching the end of this period we were faced with the choices we had made and the consequences thereof, and where we faced our dream going up in smoke and were left with smouldering ashes, broken relationships, hurts, disappointment and trying desperately to make sense of it all. God, didn't you tell us to do this? Didn't you make it soooo clear to us? What happened?
This is where I personally realised my greatest fear. Having no control whatsoever over our family's destiny. Realising that we were so damaged that we might not recover. My greatest fear was that my husband and children might not follow God? This was terrifying. I didn't know what truth was anymore. After five years of having a "different" gospel drummed into us, I found myself questioning everything I had ever believed. This is where I gave up. This was where I gave my precious family, my husband and children to God. I laid them at his feet and took my controlling hands off the situation. He has a plan for each person's life and it is not my job to try and orchestrate it. With regards to their relationship with God, that is His plan to work out not mine and most importantly, IN HIS TIMING. All I can do is love them, accept them and pray for them whilst trying to regain my own footing again.
I have found such freedom in this. Such Grace. There truly is freedom in Christ. He is slowly taking me on a journey of showing me Grace. After being in a group of people that frowned on grace, this has been so refreshing. I have seen how He is slowly working in all of our lives and the beauty of it is that it is real, truth. It is Him working and not me. I can see how He is gently touching my family's life and working in each one of us to reveal Himself to each one of us in a personal way. This time without me getting in the way. He is establishing our foundations again and showing us grace, grace and more grace. I love NOT being in control. I love leaving it to God and watching Him work. I love that He loves my husband and children and He will be the one who takes them through life and reveals to them that He is the true lover of their souls. I love being at peace where I am right now, regardless of my circumstances, regardless of whether I am serving the kingdom or doing nothing at all. I know that He loves me no matter what state I am in. I never want to control again.
This is why I don't despise the period I went through with Kingdom Encounters. I believe that God allowed it so that he could purify our walk with him. In the future we will make sure that it is God we are listening to and following, not man. We will never put works before relationship. We will never make idols of certain aspects of the kingdom, like works, or missions, or prophecy or healing etc. I personally will watch out that I don't go into control again. I never want to try to God's job for him. Our relationship with him is the most important thing and everything will come out of that.
